Daily Thoughts

The Hallucinations

Everyday I’m waking up with the perfect fantasy I always want. Day dreaming while taking bath, working and while walking is the most precious thing that keeps me going. I know it’s ridiculous. I just cant help it and is it bad to dream for your own perfect life. 😊

I’m still wasting my time wishing for Danny. I finally realized that I like him. Andy has a pretty face and I cant deny that he is such a gem. A gem that wasn’t built for me. Far from my reach or should I say, he is out of my league. I still fantasize about our love affair but not to the extend that I see myself marrying him. As if he likes me that much!

If God will ask me for one wish that he will grant me I’ll ask for Danny. Because I think he is a good man with a good heart. I hope he is not gay 😦

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Daily Thoughts

The Unspoken Words

After my last blog I accidentally met a guy. He is super nice and funny. I dont know why I easily like him. We chat daily and for the first time I didn’t hesitate to make a video chat. Seems promising!!!

I can enumerate every thing we shared together but I will not drag myself back to that misery. Its not that we had an awful relationship is just that things gets messier when the other individual doesn’t get what they want. He admitted that he is a bisexual which is a completely shocking. He also told me that he likes me and that the reason we keep in touch.

He gave so much hint that he likes me and he wants relationship but I decided to distance myself. I am not sure if I like him and if I like him being bisexual. I dont hate bisexual people I just hate myself for not realizing how it works.

I thought we have blissful days but I didn’t see it coming that we drift apart. I asked him and he pretended that we are okay. I am not sure if he didn’t like what I said that I dont like relationship and it went from good to bad.

All I know he wants to distance himself away from me. So was I, I distance myself and never look back. After a month or two I kept thinking about him and starting to realized that he doesn’t even care anything about our friendship.

Sad but true that no matter what you do. People will always be people.

I retained my job and little by little I get the chance to work with Andy and Danny. Till we lost communication due to the recent changes in our work. I understand the changes but I don’t understand is that he didn’t bother to know me. This is the day when I realized that no matter how you pursue someone it will not stay with you because you were not destined to be. If a guy like me no matter what I do he will find me and work something out.

From now on I will stay where I am and wait. Wait for the right person and the right time even if it takes a lifetime.

Daily Thoughts

The Heart’s Day

Yes! Its hearts day and I am feeling a little bit sad. 😒 I am hungry for attention and affection. I am denying it to myself and I dont know why.

For the past days I been trying to find someone who can share happiness with me and not to the extent that we need relationship. I was kinda hoping for a daily chitchat. For more than you can think of, I finally succeeded. I met few good people and they are all fun. They get bored easily too because they wanted more. More that I cant even give.

Maybe it’s a natural thing but for me I am not convinced that I need to do it. What I am trying to say is sexting! Yep and I will never ever have the courage to do it. It feels wrong and it feels different. On the other hand, I have the chance to forget everything about Danny and Andy. I am pre-occupied with all the unbelievable event happen to me.

First, my job was in jeopardize and I fought hard to save it. Second, the never ending task list that somehow so tiring. Third, my mom gets crazier everyday and not in a good way or funny way.

Now that everything normalize –my feelings with Danny becomes stronger. At this point I can say that I only admire Andy for his looks and just being funny. Easy to be with and never gets dull moments. Danny is somehow testing my patience lol He is the person I can always think of. I always wish for especially when I see 11:11 and the only name comes out is Danny. I dont know how many times I should mention his name when clock stops at 11:11. I dont know why I like him and I know he can only break my heart. Maybe I just like the pain he is causing me. 😔

Yesterday, I realized that he wasn’t like the same person who wants to talk to me. He is trying to distance his self and he treated other differently. I know and I saw it. I dont know why I felt bad but all I want him so bad. I guess I will keep wishing that he will likes me.

Sad heart sad soul 😢

Be mine please………..

Daily Thoughts

The Melted Heart

I still dont know how to face the world without Andy and Danny. I kept asking God to make miracles and somehow I haven’t decided who really I like. Regardless if they have the mutual feelings Im having trouble who is who. I still have a little communication with Danny and we weren’t the same as before. He makes jokes but not all the time. I kept wishing silently every time I we talked that I hope he will make the move.

I was so stupid to email him and for the second time and no response from him. He said he will try to catch me and talk about it but it all blown away as time goes. On the other side Andy still the mysterious type that dont bother to communicate. Maybe because he is loyal with his girlfriend. How can I escape from this illusion and how can I forget them.

I guess living my job and deleting my facebook would somehow separate me from them. I dont know what to do and Im getting impatient of waiting for something to happen that nothing is meant to happen. I feel so pathetic right now and I hate it.

I cant write anymore… super sad 😢

Daily Thoughts

The act of effusively sentimental

My emotions is jumping everywhere and I cant help it but to be amused with my overate thoughts.

I can say that I missed Andy so much but I always wish that Danny will make the first move in reaching out. Sadly the both of them are busy and have not done anything to say HI! Though I had a small talk before the changes happen and Andy was so funny.

Weighing funny and being nice is somehow helps me to validate my illusions. Though I know that most of them are not true I still kept the hope that one day I will have the chance. Chance that I will forever be grateful and I can conclude that I can die right after he say HI!

Pathetic right? He is the only reason why I keep on moving and pushing hard to stay on my job. Thinking that we work halfway around the world – I still believe that nothing is impossible.

All I know that whenever you mention his name my ears popped and cant stop smiling. There are instances that his name keeps on popping everywhere like social media, my uber driver and on my work place. I shouldn’t put meaning into those things but still I cant help it. Because who would have that chance of getting the same name that always appear when you least expected. Could it be a reminder? Could it be a test? Could it be fate?

Who the fuck knows when all you have are those little information that don’t suffice your needs. On the other hand Danny seems to be disconnected to the word as he is not that approachable and a little distance. It makes me want him more on this type of act. It feels so challenging that makes me question myself -why is this happening.

But overall the happiness that Andy brings to my heart each time is unmeasurable. Perhaps I want him so bad that I cant deny to myself anymore. Thats kinda sad to admit because if that is the case, where should I go from here? I cant stop thinking about him and I cant stop talking about him. My world is moving around him and the sad part I don’t know if he is also thinking of me. Is he thinking of me? Is there any instances that he thought of me? Does he smiles when someone say my name or if he saw my name?

Yesterday, I couldn’t sleep and went to work appearing so tired. I guess you could say that I was drunk enough with the thought of thinking silly things that wont and will not happen. But —- I can still hope and that is the only thing I can -hope!

One day, time will tell if we are both meant for each other. I believe our creator has a great plans of each one of us. If he is not for me, that is fine as long as I know someone out there is waiting for me. For now I will continue to welcome the thoughts of being delusional and entertain myself with my imagination that he is the perfect person for me. 😘

If I can ask God one wish I will only ask him to convince Andy that he like me.. 😂😂😂😂

Have a great night! xoxo💋

Daily Thoughts

The Maze

I have finally reached the end of the tunnel but no lights is waiting for me. It is final and its not going to change. But I am still taking chances that I know soon I will be caught. The last day where we had the chance to say goodbye, I felt that Danny really meant it. Saying goodbye for him feels like it is the end of the friendship we had.

Though he mention that he was checking on Reddit and found something interesting on my place. He even verify if its true and knowing that he is interested with that he is actually thinking of me. Isn’t? I could be wrong but why he will ask me right? And why he will listen with those songs? I cant understand the logic.

Its been few days when they leave and now he is asking me to do something for him. Which I helped him and now that I am asking for help he ignored me? What an asshole he is! I cant seems to understand why he keeps on doing things like this? Does he likes me or not? Does he like teasing me with this kind of shit? I hate it and I dont want it!

I hope God will listen to me and he could give me the person I really like. I really like or really really like!! I hope he will be here very soon and I cant stay like this forever! I hate being alone 😟

Daily Thoughts

The countdown

I been thinking of deleting my blog for quite sometime. I know that most of the content only evolves on two persons that I admire. I’m constantly reminding myself that I should stop with all my silly imagination. I know is too far cry to make things possible but as I always say I can only hope. Day by day I’m praying that God would give me the chance to talk to them even if its just for seconds or minutes. I dont care as long as we exchanges ideas and laughter.

Now that we reaching the end of line. I’m starting to fear that my one tiny hope will eventually fade. I’m afraid that the fire that I thought is burning will eventually die. Where do we go from here? What are the possibilities of having the bridge reconnected? Well none for now is certain and all I know I need to prepare myself for the change.

Sometimes I wonder if one of them thinks of me. I dont care weather is it good or bad but knowing that you affect someone is so rewarding. If I have the power to go back from where we first met I would have done what I did today. By just being funny and having a good time. Maybe one day we’ll cross paths again. Until then I can only wish or hope that one day something good will happen.

You will always be the person I know who can take my breath away. Like you always say see you around. 😘 xoxo

Daily Thoughts

The effects of admiration

I told myself that I will lose weight because I wanted and not because people wants it. I must admit that I still have that little window in my head that I want to feel accepted. I know that is so sad to admit but yes I would like everyone to know. I strongly believe that my will power is not enough to push my limits. I always lay my everything that I can’t do it though I am trying so hard to beat my laziness. I was worried that making someone else responsible for my happiness will eventually ruin my daily motivation. Though I have some days that I feel really down and some days I am so high. I could keep my unending smile. I must say that after I stated that I will forget Andy and Danny I knew I am lying.

I continue my journey for almost 3 weeks with one day a week rest. I lost a total of 13 lbs and for me it is too good to be true. Because I failed to weigh myself when I started and I just got my weight from the hospital before I got my surgery a year ago. So who knows and I am back from being so lazy after I consumed my L-carnitine for 3 weeks. 😏

During this fantasy of losing weight, I met Andy’s boss who flew all the way from Chicago. He is a big guy and at the same time funny. He was looking for me the day he arrives and when I met him he said “I heard so much about you and Andy talk’s about you all the time”. Honestly, I dont know how to reach and I dont know if I need to be happy or need be ashamed. When we got the chance to sit on a table he said that he was looking forward to meet me.

Oh, well I just enjoy meeting new people. Knowing I can interact with them freely and no issue I’m okay with it. Danny is a little different and so as Andy. I must admit everything we talked about even if its a work related we find ourselves laughing about my stupidity. I dont want to pretend that I know things even If I dont know it. I like to learn so many things if I have a chance and both of them are giving me that privilege. I hope one day, we could have the chance to talk about life aside from work. See yah all xoxo 😘

Daily Thoughts

The Self-love

Since I decided that I will no longer make Andy and Danny be part of my daily life. I have purchased a l’carnitine injectables to help me burn more fat while doing simple cardio exercise. I decided to focus on myself and better my outer look. I weight like 200+ pounds and I regret it that I have to reached this stage to realized that I need help. I tried to lose weight but I am having difficulty in achieving my goals because of PCOS.

I was diagnosed with PCOS when I was 16 and didn’t understand why. I took medication for years and nothing happen until I gain too much weight. I am a problem with my sugar as I think I am pre-diabetic. I am always lazy and tried without doing anything. I tried millions of approach but none of them gave the fulfillment that I was looking. Started my diet as usual but with l’carnitine on my system. I dont like drinking medicine thats why I opted to buy injectables. So far I feel more energized compared when I dont have the fat burner. I tried to do walking and as I check I successfully completed my 20 minutes walk. Went to my work without feeling sore but I feel weak. Since I did not get enough sleep I decided to skip my exercise for a day. Today 30th I completed another 20 minutes walk and feels so good though Im struggling. I hope I can continue this journey until the end and I hope l’carnitine can give the justice.

My experiences after it is inserted to my blood stream? 1st day nothing the following day sudden energy pop out and started my work out following day im super tired so I skip my work out. 4th day I tried to reach my goal and I am struggling for real! I’ll keep everything on tract as much as I could so help me God! xoxo 😘