Daily Thoughts

The Reality 

I kept asking myself why I always do things differently. I always fall for someone who don’t deserve me at all. I kept pretending that something is up when nothing is going on. I am so attached to all the events that may lead me broken.

Thursday, was not the conversation I was expecting and I thought that I had enough of my craziness. I been waiting for him for almost 6 weeks and nothing is happening. I need to do something. Something that I will put everything behind me and never think of anything.

Focusing one thing is so hard. I need to commit! I am thinking of changing myself to divert my attention on something that is breaking me. I need to gain that self confidence that I lost a long time ago.

I am revisiting the old conversation we had to Andy’s and to Danny’s. Little by little I am realizing that nothing is special. I am just moved by the momment of excitement and I guess I am overwhelmed. I cant seem to find the things I need to find. I am missing something..

I hope on the coming days I will be able to realize what I need to realize. I wanted to change something on myself and on my perspective. I am trully sad that I was not able to get what I want. Backing up is the only option I have right now.

I like listening to Christina Perri song “Arms”. I can relate to this song and the feeling is so sad. I hope I can find the persob who can knocks me down and will not let me go. Putting his arms around me makes me feel home.

😘 xoxo

Daily Thoughts

The Demand

Today I can finally say that I failed! I did not last for 3 days in my freaking challenge.  Its hard to do it when you know its needed. I had to engaged with Danny’s Department as we are losing options and no one is being  helpful. 

To make the story short we did talked. Aloof and scary to start the conversation but I know he was trying to be polite and helpful. I need to give him that credit because he is the only person who gives me option in all the dealings. Things will only change if he is not in the mood. I guess.

I was able to have a small talk with him and I know he was a little happy. I can tell because he is throwing jokes and our chat is always lengthy. I dont know why but I feel that I making it on purpose. Maybe but I dont know sometimes it’s difficult to tell. 😑😑😑

I would say that this is the last day. And I’m taking my early off for the week. I hope my perspective in dealing my shit over work will somehow change. I hope that I can finally let go of this feelings and never gets too attached with someone again.

I learned my lesson and I know I need to move forward. Enough of the drama and expectations. Move further and away from Danny lol 😂 

I hope my job will no longer requires me to deal with them and just be independent. I hope 🤞 that in the future I can find the right person.

Chao!

Daily Thoughts

The Weakness 

I was so tired today. I can feel my shoulder’s getting tighter by minutes. Maybe becuase of the workload I have and it is never ending. 

For some reason I have to admit that yesterday was a failed mission. I told my self that I prevent myself in reaching assistance to Danny’s Department as I am trying to avoid him. Though I used different name when I needed their help. Today it happen again and I needed to use my name. 😦 

I can’t avoid them but I was praying so hard  that we dont bump into each other. I thank God for helping me to fulfill this request. We had an encounter yesterday but he dont know that it was me. Our communications only through chatting as they are working cross the world. 

I was one of the people who needs to represent our people to get assistance from them. So I have no choise but to perform my job. Working directly to people whom you adore is quite difficult. I have never imagined that this day will happen. Where I have to move one step back. Today, its my second day of trying not to get assistance from Danny. Instead of not talking to there Department, I am now playing the game of hide and seek. 

I wish I could have this space where I dont get attached that much to anyone from my work again. I must stop this and make my life more meaningful. I dont deserve this kind of treatment. I missed the small talk but it is just a small talk and I dont know what to do.. 

I heard today that he was in a hurry and didn’t want to do small talks anymore. Maybe that was needed and  he was not in the mood. 😦 I am still not looking forward to do small talks too. I had enough of heartache for the past weeks and I think that’s enough.

I hope tomorrow I will be no longer needing to communicate with him. I dont know what to do anymore and I need to get a life. 

Does he ever think about me? Does he tries to search for me? Does he try to communicate with me? Does he likes our small talks? If all the answer is no! I dont want to know anymore. 😑

Daily Thoughts

The Survival Mode

I decided not to communicate with Andy’s Department or Danny’s as I had enough of disappointment for the past months.

I been thinking of doing it till Friday.. challenging myself and having the discipline. I can’t deny that I consulted them today (there Department) and I’ve  actually talked to Danny the only thing is that he dont know that it was me. I used my co-worker log-ins to get details from them.

As much as possible I would like to stay away. I will just find a away to ignore them and focus on my main task. This is going to be hard on my part but I am hoping for a success. 

I will come back if needed but for now let me hide and gather my thoughts again.

I think I am starting to like him and I was too attached that I though it was the same feelings. I did not ask him about feelings, I just based everything on how he treats me or maybe I am too assuming.

He likes telling me stuff and I don’t understand why sometimes he treats me differently. I am lost and I dont know anymore on what to believe. I only know that I like talking to him even if we only say Hello.

Daily Thoughts

The Strained 

For the past days I became so aloof with the situation and started to feel that I am no longer excited. Why do I have to feel this things? So Manic.

I know he might be thinking differently, that he dont even care at all. Well it’s obvious but I am denying the facts that I am  too blinded by the truth. 

What is the real truth? Am I imagining things or just interpreting his action in a different way. I don’t know anymore, I am totally confuse 😐 

My feelings are swaying everywhere, that seems like no direction at all. I am longing for love and affection for a long time. I am so tried reading horoscope, waiting for my stars to bring the light of hope. But instead life is not offering me any good. Hopesomething  bright and shiny will happen in few days, months and even years.

I am negatively takings things today maybe because of the things I dont want to hear. Plus I am too tired following the task That needed to be done. 

I was reading my conversation with Danny earlier and no matter how I read it still sounds that he is questioning me and being unsure why I am talking to him. I feel pathetic and disappointed to myself of course but what can I do. I am just a poor girl looking for someone. I must admit that I am stressed and I forget to focus on our goals. I must stop!

Daily Thoughts

The Hiccups 

I don’t understand myself anymore. My level of excitement and happiness yesterday was completely dissolved today.

I don’t know why. I hits me so hard to randomly think that I am just fooling myself that I like Danny. I lost the interest and the enthusiasm when talking to him. So unreal right? I can now conclude that I am crazy! 😂 

I will try to understand this feelings I have and hopefully I can figure things out. I am having so much headache right now I need to sleep!

Daily Thoughts

The Intoxication

My day started just fine and work load is a bit light. I was busy answering emails and sending reports until I heard someone from a distances that Danny is back.

I can’t hide my happiness on my face and I stood up just to check if he is there. Saw his name and though it just a name I feel a different. Happy is the only word I can think of…

My co-worker is currently working with him. They thought that mentioning my name to him would somehow make there lives easier. So they pretend that I say Hi and Danny says “tell her I say hello :)”.  Feels weird but entertaining. And then, Danny makes everything complicated till both of them gave up.

The case I am saving for consulation was in jeopardize as Danny may think I am just doing a way to get to him which is kinda true is someways. I am not scared to tell him if he will ask me. But I hope everything goes with the plan.

My heart beats so fast when i was trying to ask assistance and I got someone else from there Department. Which is given me a such a relief. Then something came up that I have to go back as needed. I was so nervous and couldn’t think of anything. He said that he is busy and he was talking with different peoples. I assume is that he was trying to get rid of me.

So I continue asked the things I need and I had it. Then vanished, I didnt know he was askinh for something. I was too afraid to see his reaction and how he will end the chat so I ignored him. I was too late to see that, he was asking something. I am happy though that he is interested in my thoughts.

Daily Thoughts

The Thoughts 

My weekend is officially over and need to work again. I may sound like I am so exhausted but believe me I like working especially if I am waiting for someone.

It might not happen but I believe nothing is impossible. On a second thought, I dont know where do I got this idea and feelings. Sometimes part of me is saying its impossible and I should stop expecting but other part of me telling me to fight for it.

Sometimes Danny is giving me mixed signals and I don’t know if I am giving that to him as well. I am frighten to talk to him when he gets back because I am too afraid that he wont share anyhting. In fact I dreamt of it and hoping its not true. The worst of the worst is that he dod not try to communicate with me. Maybe he wants to be alone for awhile as he said he will talk to me few weeks from now.

But I dont think he meant it word for word. I really hope that as time progress he will be in touch and more communication we will have. I really missed the chat, honestly!

Please dont fade away so quick and give me a chance to be happy at least for 2-3 months.

Daily Thoughts

The Silence 

I’ve decided not to write anything for the past few days because I don’t know what to share. I realized that when losing the connection between the people I used to talked to is somehow difficult.

I dont want this feelings anymore. It’s going to be tough but I will try to take it. The 2nd day that Danny is not arround feels empty. I am starting to appreciate the things he do for me. The lessons and exceptions that he always does. I must say I missed those days that we talk. I am starting to compared him with his colleagues and I know it’s not appropriate to do it.

 I have this small hope that he will send me a message or say Hi. I was trying to make sure he has all the information he needs to reach me though I am not that obvious. I have left all the traces that he could get but none of those are effective. Maybe he chose not to bother me or he just simple dont care.

As I mentioned on my previous writings that I always assume things and that’s true. I can’t help it. I am longing for love and affection I must say. 😔

I have tried to think about all the conversation we had and I cant imagined that we will fall for each other. Distance is one of the factors and he might be in a relationship though he said he dont have kids yet. He might be a Gay! I don’t know 🤷‍♀️ 

I am still waiting for him even he is too aloof with everything. I hope he will find time to reach out. It would be so fun if he will try to find me..

I will be waiting…

Daily Thoughts

The Stories every Friday

I don’t know whats with Friday but something interesting is happening all the time. 

I was not expecting that were going to talked as I was trying to hide the entire day and yesterday. I email him the other day, asked for his recommendation since we are working on a same project.

He admitted that he confused me and he was sorry but not directly sorry for insulting me. Maybe he was not trying to insult me but just making a statement. I dont know what to think anymore as our thoughts is scattered. -or my thoughts is scattered as I never had that conversation before with him.

Yesterday, I was stuck in a meeting and so many projects that I was trying to close. When I got back from a long hours of meeting, I run a quick spot check if all of my work is done. But I saw someone from my colleague asking for my assistance which I forgot to do. Reading the first sentence from his notes makes me realized “oh dear I need Danny on this one”  😑

Checking the time it’s almost 7 in the evening and I dont know if I can reach someone from their Department as it’s almost the weekend.

I was like, okay let me discuss this issue and  then say good bye after he provides recommendations. But it didn’t happen..

He was like telling me that he will be gone for a week. If you will think, why the heck he tells me all that? Is he expecting for me call him or ask for his help? Or he was just being a nice guy? I don’t understand.

I am happy for him but I dont get the point of telling me that he will he on a vacation when everything we discuss is about our work. Am I that trustworthy in terms of telling someone about something or is it a way for him to tell wont bother coming this time as I am not available. 

It is so difficult to understand. 🙁 And I even ask him if he has a child and corrected me that he has no kids. But puzzled if he is single. 😂 

Should I ask him or not? I dont know! Please make him realized at least this week that I like him and we can talk about it hahahaha