Daily Thoughts

The Self-love

Since I decided that I will no longer make Andy and Danny be part of my daily life. I have purchased a l’carnitine injectables to help me burn more fat while doing simple cardio exercise. I decided to focus on myself and better my outer look. I weight like 200+ pounds and I regret it that I have to reached this stage to realized that I need help. I tried to lose weight but I am having difficulty in achieving my goals because of PCOS.

I was diagnosed with PCOS when I was 16 and didn’t understand why. I took medication for years and nothing happen until I gain too much weight. I am a problem with my sugar as I think I am pre-diabetic. I am always lazy and tried without doing anything. I tried millions of approach but none of them gave the fulfillment that I was looking. Started my diet as usual but with l’carnitine on my system. I dont like drinking medicine thats why I opted to buy injectables. So far I feel more energized compared when I dont have the fat burner. I tried to do walking and as I check I successfully completed my 20 minutes walk. Went to my work without feeling sore but I feel weak. Since I did not get enough sleep I decided to skip my exercise for a day. Today 30th I completed another 20 minutes walk and feels so good though Im struggling. I hope I can continue this journey until the end and I hope l’carnitine can give the justice.

My experiences after it is inserted to my blood stream? 1st day nothing the following day sudden energy pop out and started my work out following day im super tired so I skip my work out. 4th day I tried to reach my goal and I am struggling for real! I’ll keep everything on tract as much as I could so help me God! xoxo 😘

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Daily Thoughts

The Switch

My co-worker just made me realized that I am so pathetic. I think I needed that -for me to accept reality that I been ignoring for a long time. She is so mean and trying to ruined everything. I honestly dont know where she got the story where Andy already have a girlfriend and she keeps on rubbing the information to my face. I somehow would like to be part of Andy’s life -if I have the chance and not throwing myself to him forcefully. Same goes to Danny but how she describes the situation made me think that she is actually saying words that I completely preventing other people to get the same idea.

I hate the fact that she is giving these information to my other co-worker and Andy’s co-worker without my consent. Plus adding information that is not true that makes me feel like a whore. I can’t defend myself at this point as I will look like so desperate. I feel like she is the most stupid person I have ever met.

I hope she gets what she deserves from being so selfish and stupid. I hope I can work as normal later and be a good person. I may need to stop talking to them and start putting the line that I hate to do it. Maybe goodbyes are always necessary! I have to focus on myself and start moving forward.

Daily Thoughts

The Days

I personally like the song and lyrics of “the days”. It gives me the feeling of being excited about something.

“These are the days we’ve been waiting for

Neither of us knows what’s in store”

I dont know if its good to relate this to my present status or I am just too delusional. Who knows right? Nothing is change since the last time I wrote and we are still hanging like we never knew what is going to happen. I am hopeful to more chance to know Danny but the more I craved for his attention the lesser the chance we have or totally not in contact. Andy on the other side just go with the flow and keep we keep on messing each other. But nothing is extraordinary that will crave for more.

Andy is a little bit busier than Danny and most of time Andy is not available. I have to deal with Danny if I have the chance but the more interactions we have the lesser we jive together. But Andy has this aura that keeps on being playful and willing to explain everything even if its going to take time. So I am in a complete spell and I can’t stop thinking about him. I am totally confused which of them that I like the most. Though they dont even like me and why the hell am I confused for? I shouldn’t be right?

I know that Danny is interested with me but not all the time.lol He always helped me and he always being so nice but sometimes he is so mean. Andy is always happy and cool. He likes to explained things that you could easily understand and why he was doing it. I am in a complete shock that I can freely joke around with him. Or I could be wrong!

How I wish something good will happen in the coming days and nights. xoxo 😘

Daily Thoughts

The joys and sorrows

I cant begin to imagine what I have done to myself to get to this pointless direction. All I want from the beginning is to fine someone, who will actually give me the same amount of interest as I gave it to them. I can’t please anyone from my surroundings but I can only hope.

Having conversation with Danny the other week feels so light. But the more the days goes, it begin to flicker on my head that things will not happen again. I am truly having a hard time to keep up on the same spirit that he is showing. Like what they said lightning dont strike the same place twice.

I will always cherish some of the flirtation and sweetness he shared to me. I hope we will come to the point that we will end this mystery. And start all over again like we never had chance to meet each others. I hope I will not regret it. I need to forget him. I must!

I think I begun to be more impatient than before as I dont see any reason to stay. I started to question myself how long I will pretend. For how long I can take this madness and take the courage to step forward. I am in a complete mess and no one wants to see someone who is broken inside.

“you are the one thing that keep me smiling, that’s why I’m always wishing hard for you” these words are the perfect match to describe my feelings everyday. Some are successful and most of the time are not. Oh well! I guess I cant have everything I wanted. Today, is the day where you dont know where to pick-up yourself and you are asking for more when he dont give a shit. Maybe he does but I am too blinded to see it. -or maybe not at all.

I dont know where to start again but I will continue what I have started and I hope life will help me to conquer the world and how destiny predicts my future. xoxo 😘

Daily Thoughts

The Joyful Day

I truly believed in the saying “sometimes the least you expect it, good things happen” and today was the best day I ever had.

Given the stressed I received today have vanished completely when I had the chance to talk to Andy and Danny. I know that I am weird to be confused who is the real guy I like the most.

Honestly at this point, I really dont know. Most of the time Andy is more friendly than Danny. But if Andy is not in the mood he still finds a way to crack a joke. Or we just found the comfort of taking to each other. Danny is a little weird sometimes and I have this impression that he is always mad. I can’t even predict if he is okay with jokes or not.

I have this great feeling when I am talking to Andy and its kinda comfortable with no filters. Same with Danny I dont need to hide anything just being completely honest. But sometimes I dont know if he is being nice or being mean to me.

To begin with my joyful day! I had this conversation with Andy that we actually playing around. Making fun of our gameplay for the cases we had. Creating funny lines and I know we both enjoyed it. I just had to say goodbye as soon as I felt the weirdness between us. Then talk to Danny about something when Andy left. For the first time in history, Danny just made this funny joke on me and he said that he could be mean to others but not to me.

I know sometimes I am just feeding my fantasy over this guys but they always convinced me that this feelings are not illusion. I am not saying that they love me with whatsoever but if I dont feel like talking they start to do this weird stuff and make me laugh.

I am just happy today that both of them have this same mood where they want to make fun of things. I get the chance to know them better and be at ease. I am 100% comfortable in telling them what I think and what I want. Sadly no one is making a huge steps to verify this claims. 😕

I wish soon enough we will have this chance to meet each other on a daily basis and work together. For now let me enjoy whatever life offers me. Happy Labor Day! xoxo 😘

Daily Thoughts

The Contemplation

I told Danny that I will be gone until the 29th but I decided to go back to my work instead of taking my vacation until Tuesday.

I’m in a complete messed when I returned and I feel incomplete. I dont know why but the emptiness kills me. I had the chance to talk to Andy but the excitement was not the same as before. Maybe I was not completely happy that I returned to work. Or maybe I miss Danny.

I dont know why I keeps on thinking about that jerk and I have no clue if he likes me or just being nice. I hate to think about these stuff all the time and so much people around me noticing that I always mentioned his name.

It sucks to feel this way and I realized Im starting to get bored of being lonely. Today is Danny’s birthday and he said that he might stay home and rest. We dont know if that is true but whatever it is I hope he thinks about me. lol

I am planning to have a conversation with him tomorrow and I dont know if I am ready with his answer. I want to ask him if he enjoy his birthday with his girlfriend. I hope he would say he dont have one or he is gay. I dont know how to react but hopefully I am going to like it.

I am really disappointed today but hopefully I am going to be fine tomorrow. I want to believe that someone out there is waiting for me.

Daily Thoughts

The Zero Degree

I missed the chance to talk to Andy today because I was too impatient. I told myself I will try a little more harder next time.

I ended up talking to Danny and at first he is kinda weird. I am still has the impression that he is not happy on my jokes. Then after few more hours he was like so interested of something. Then we couldn’t stay long so we ended up saying goodbye.

He is a little weird and I have not been so confused that much with a person’s personality that I couldn’t identify. Maybe I am just too interested in him. But he gave away the information I wanted to know. His birthday date! Yes I did my research and find out that facts are true!

Why does the internet gives to much information and giving your freaking address! To much is always too much. I saw everything on the internet including his address and phone number! So strange! I realized his a virgo!

According to the website: As a Virgo born on this day, you are a very funny, interesting, and charismatic person. You really have a way of making a presence in people’s lives. People do like you; they can see what kind of value you bring to the table.

With that said, you often believe in certain things that end up sabotaging whatever success you are able to achieve in other areas of your life. To say that you are your own worst enemy would be an understatement indeed.

Love

We’re not necessarily talking about demanding, in terms of you just wanting to dominate the time of your romantic partners. You’re not demanding in the sense that you want your partners to become completely different people. You also don’t hold back your emotional rewards to blackmail them.

Instead, you are demanding in the sense that you are quite a perfectionist when it comes to your romantic relationships. They have to meet some sort of ideal. The relationship has to live up to a fairytale in your head.

Unfortunately, we live in reality, and when you are demanding at this level, it does have a way of undermining and corroding your relationships. You know this; you are a very intelligent person. The sooner you take steps to overcome this natural tendency of yours, the faster your relationships will become more fruitful.

And in the end Virgo is still weird.. xoxo 😘

Daily Thoughts

The Uncertainty

Why do I always feel that we don’t understand each other all the time. Why do I feel that he is not happy on what I say or what arguments I bring up.

Its hard to read him and today he is a little better compared the other day. Do I assumed things differently or I just misunderstood the gestures he was doing. I wish I can ask for more and I wish I’ll have the chance to explore all the possibilities.

Often times, I am feeling sick of waiting and waiting for something that is not going to happen. I keep on confusing myself for something I shouldn’t have. Danny is somehow gives me frustration on a daily basis. I can’t read him like I do with others.

I am with some miracles he will find a way to look for the possibilities. xoxo 😘

Daily Thoughts

The part of my realization

I am a little bothered last weekend as Danny did not respond to my email. I feel like I stepped beyond my boundaries and I must admit he is not interested.

I kept waiting and waiting the entire day but I have not gotten any response from him. I had a chance to talk to him earlier but I am too shy to bring up the topic.

I thank him for helping me today and he replied your always welcome. I assumed that this is a go signal to ask him regarding the issue on my other case and he suggest something to do.

Apart from this dilemma is that my co-workers think that I am over stepping from the boundaries that I shouldn’t have. Where they specifically ask for help and to use my connection with Danny. Now that the case has slow progress it turns out that its my fault.

I dont get people who are so immature to think this kind of things. I know its a slow progress but we can’t do anything about it. The only solution is to wait and see. This is also the last time I am going to help them and I will no longer do anything anymore.

I’m disappointed to myself that I keep doing this things for others and asking helped from Danny. He did everything he could but apparently my co-worker is so in a hurry that she wants action right away. Such a bossy!

I hate that I have to involve someone on this matter. I hate this feelings and I hope I’ll be okay.

My perspective towards Danny somehow changed for the passed weeks. Why? And why do I assumed he is mad when is not? Why do I assumed something that he wasn’t? What is wrong with me?

Daily Thoughts

The Sudden Turn

I am sick today and I can’t function the way I need to. Making me slower than the usually. Been sneezing all day long and my mind is clouded.

Talked to Andy today but not the same we used to have. And for the first time in history Danny just said that at least he is not giving false information out of the blue. I was thinking that he is trying to imply that Andy’s decision was wrong in the first place.

I don’t understand Danny anymore.. and I don’t understand myself anymore. 😑😑😑